I Can't Remember The Time

My name is Kathy. I play on SL under the name Suri Christen. I have 4 blogs at the moment, including this new one!

The reason I start this blog is so I can put my feelings to paper, whether it is SL or RL related, I just want to have a good recollection of what happened when~

Tonight, I feel a little bit down. This is partly due to working so many hours as my parents took a sudden vacation and need my help to look after their shop. My friends came to see me at work and we had a great chat, I miss getting together with them, if only for a casual drink and talk bullshit; now I am working at least 12 hours a day with no days off. The end of the tunnel seem unreachable!

I came home, log into SL religiously, as I would any other day. He said hello to me, of course I was happy, after all, he's the reason I log in. Some days I wait and wait, eventually I thought maybe I did something wrong for he does not want to talk to me anymore. First few days waiting, I felt abandonment, then resentment, then trying to let go and go on about my daily routine. It was starting to work until he returned. My reaction was like winning the lottery jackpot. He told me he needed to start over, even though he never asked for my help, I find myself dropping everything to find something suitable - for him. I continue to do that for an hour, I got a number of things which might suit him, and quickly sent them over his way.

I don't wish to hear his gratitude, if he wears them, it's the best thank you there could be. I remember times when I would stay up and chat with him because I savored the moments together, even when I know he can never be mine, when my eyes are so far shut my eyelids might as well be sewed in. I feel stupid as well as secretly happy; its a strange combination, yes, and I am the one who chose to inflict this emotions on myself.

When we chat, we talk about many things, including the girl he has his heart on..we both happen to be friends with her. I pretend so hard to hear him out as a friend, sometimes giving advice like a good friend should~but lord, how much does this hurt? I kept telling myself its a phase, he doesn't even feel this way about you! When he was gone I looked him up every now and again, I know he has been here, but not took the effort to find me..I start to wonder what went wrong...perhaps he found someone more interesting...or maybe I had no use to be his friend any more..

I gave him lots of material things, only hoping he will be more happy after getting them, and also its an excuse because he tells me what he bought from my "ex-xmas giftcards". When his name shows up on my screen my heart skips a beat, I type something...erase...type something more...erase...in the end I only said a "hello"; whilst I like him a lot, I am not able to show him how I really felt. I am his and the girl's friend, I am his and the girl's friend, I keep telling myself, I cannot step out of line. Never, I will hurt her.

有人問:『你為什麼愛一個人?』
我只能夠說出為什麼不愛一個人,
卻說不出為什麼愛一個人。
愛一個人,
是一種感覺
不愛一個人,
卻是事實。

Today, I feel down. I am tired and hurt my hand, can only type with one hand. He tells me he bought this pair of shoes, this pair of pants, even though I said I felt bad, I hurt myself, he could have at least ask if I was okay, as a friend would. It dissappoints me to see my words are as if they are invisible, I blindly presented him the tools to better his character, I don't need his gratitude, but a second, just a split second of care from his part isn't too much to ask, is it? I think back, maybe he's just not that interested in my affairs~~ I felt even more disheartened. All this hope I built up was stupid on my part. This person does not even like you. Not even one bit. Why am I waiting? Did I not say I was tired? I really should sleep, but secretly anticipating his presence in my time again...Please give me the strength to forget about you, my dear, because you already hurt me so, you just don't know it. Please, my dear, leave me alone to heal, stop giving me hope just as I am able to pick myself up, dust myself off and carry on walking.

人的耐心都有極限，當對方達到那個耐心的臨界點，自己就會發現有所失去；但這通常不會馬上覺醒，因為我們總是迷惘在眼前，清醒在日後的午夜夢迴；可笑的執著有時候成了日後自己深深的後悔。幸福就是這樣溜走的，悄悄的消逝在被呵護，被恩寵的溺愛中；或者是一廂情願的。

When he got so involved with himself maybe he missed I said I hurt myself?
Or maybe he was not interested whether I was hurt or not?
I wanted to get your attention before, I wanted to spend more and more time with you; the more I do the more I find negative traits about you. I want you to care about me and love me. You'll never be mine. So, my dear, please stay away.